The doctor says that mom looks better on the outside than she does on the inside and that her bones are too fragile for physical therapy. My hopes are somewhat down because I've been motivating her about becoming more independent and she's been eagerly awaiting the therapy. I had asked her to get up one day and she flat out refused. She's not as strong physically as I would like to think. But funny, how two days later she was able to do the very thing I asked her at the physical therapy screening. But yet again disappointed because it's either physical therapy or home health aide, Medicaid won't allow for both.
Friends inquire about her health and I reply "she's okay" because I'm really not in the mood to explain what's going on. To recall all that information just gets me anxious so it's just "okay" for now. Cancer is a thief that takes away more than one's health. It steals time, energy, quality time with loved one and friends and one's spirit. During this 40 days of Bible Reading, I have had to fight to do it and not become so distant from God. He sees and knows everything, but the enemy would want me to think that does He really hear my mother's prayers and those of her friends? Does He even hear me?
But it is the little miracles that keep both me and my mom going. Divine appointment has shown itself in the form of the guy that works at the restaurant a block from us. He was my mom's patient care tech and he took good care of her while there. It comes in the form of nameless people who did what they could in the medical profession to make sure my mom received her meds right after hospital discharge. She was without medicaid for about three weeks and not being on her high blood pressure pills would have been detrimental. God showed up in the Home Health Aide agency owner who is a friend of a friend. We have yet to meet, but he's helped me maneuver through this red tape called medicaid bureaucracy. He's even referred me to a new professional opportunity (because Lord knows we need the extra finances!) God has sent others who have directed me to other lucrative opportunities as a social worker. Conversations I didn't think I would be having, I now have. And the list goes on and on as to why I know that God does indeed hear me.
I've become more transparent these days. There's no time for falsehoods and masks. My confidantes have seen another side of me that doesn't really expect answers, but just a listening ear or in my case a listening "text", I've tuned out inconsequential things in my life. Some things that seemed magnified in my life, seem like an individual grain of sand these days. Just don't have the time nor the energy to tackle things that in the end have no real impact on my life and those of my loved ones.
I'm really fearful to see that my mother who has always been the bedrock of our family, the mover and shaker, the visionary that moved us here from a tiny island so that we could do better for ourselves now sit in a wheelchair and looks to me for her every need. Mixed emotions come forward.
Anger. Angry because I think that this shouldn't have gotten this far and the years of nagging her to go to the doctor went on her deaf years. In a Q and A with her doctor, I am to find out it had been four years, since the first lump. So I spend wasteful time counting back, trying to figure out, why didn't I see something besides the limp? Why wasn't I more attuned to my own mother?
Fearful, because the doctor sees the natural and words like hospice and pain management sometimes speaks louder than her prayers and mine.
Resentful, because so many things had been hidden from me about her life as a young woman and her marriage, choices she felt she had to make, and the consequences of which we are seeing now.
Torn, because complicated family relationships have yet again put me in the middle.
Hopeful, because her spirit is still strong and she believes in her heart of hearts, this will not be a hindrance and that she will overcome.
I go back to work in another two weeks and am worried that what needs to be in place is yet unraveled. I've got some tough decisions to make, that only I am entrusted to make.
My mom told me earlier this year that her children were grown and that we didn't need a mother anymore. This was as a result of me complaining that she was always in church and I hardly saw or spoke to her. As a Pastor's wife, I became resentful of "church" and the amount of time it took her away. Admittedly, I was hurt. I'm still getting over the fact that she didn't attend my graduation from Barry with my Masters. That was in 2005! So to hear those words, dug deeply.
But here God is taking those very words and dashing them against the wall. I see her more now than I thought I ever would. I hear from her friends that she's rather proud of me and grateful of all that I'm doing. I will never hear it from her, and I am okay with that. Haitian women are a strange fruit. You will never see them cry and you will never see them bow in the face of challenge. You'll also never really see them affirm their children personally, but the whole of Miami and abroad will know before you ever do.
I attended a conference in June where the speaker mentioned her mom having cancer and that it was the best thing that could ever happen. And although she was away when her mother died, there were no regrets. So I take that as God's confirmation that this needed to happen. From an estranged relationship comes this tenuous relationship based on need, but one that has seen more growth in three months than in three years.
I try not to think of my mom's life as finite. We all know our lives are finite, but not all of us know the "how". My mom's "how" is staring me right in the face and it's not going away. The nurse who is treating her is an ARNP (which means she can administer prescriptions under a doctor's supervision). She is a Christian, and ironically she knows who I am. She reminds me that the physical cannot be explained away.
But God stands outside of time and circumstances.
Question:
1) As women, what are we doing to break the cycle of poor mother/daughter relationships with our children?
2) What do we endeavor to do with our mothers to express our own love to them?
3) After knowing what we know about our health, why do we hesitate, refuse, or postpone taking our wellness exams, mammography or even to visit the Urgent Care or ER when our body asks us to?
Websites to view:
Breast cancer affects more women under 50:http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=120985060
Racial disparities identified among women with breast cancer, equal access to health care:
As women, we first have to recognize that there is an ugly cycle that needs to be broken. Once this happen then we can continually foster positive relationships with our children. ( mother/son or Mother/daughter. It took me years to realize that I could not look to my mother for affirmation, guidance when making huge decision, confedant when needing someone to talk to. She was clueless to those needs but did what she thought was necessary as a parent. This has put me in a state of mind where I am constantly assessing my relationships with my boys. Asking God to show me every step of the way in this journey of parenthood.
ReplyDelete2. To show and express love to my mother these days just simply means to take her to walmart and the mall allowing her to browse and talk me to death about this or that, Sitting in little haiti at her friends hot house. I pack my patience, and allow her this time for its something that makes her happy and I get to experience these happy moments with her.
3. I think the health questions about why people do not take the neccesary actions when there is an inkling that something may be wrong with their health all has to do with personality and their self image. Being a realist, I take nothing for granted.. Im calling, reading, texting, inquiring and then some to find out how to get help. Where as you have some that believe if its not broken then don't bother it. I believe that constant health education is necessary in this era across all age groups.(media, social networks,tv, reality shows and etc)Maybe this will help motivate one to seek help.